I Don’t Want To Be Here Anymore
I sat in my bed exhausted from another long day. The lack of sleep and constant cycle of loading up tasks on my to do list had taken a toll on me. My therapist told me I had been avoiding actually dealing with it. Although I knew he was probably right, I couldn’t allow myself to believe it. I had to do it my way. I couldn’t avoid the feeling when it all finally rose to the surface. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”, I thought. The city did a number on me and I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t afford to stay. What had my life come to? I was desperate to find answers. I moved back to LA. I started a new job. I went into seclusion. I needed time to figure it all out and didn’t want to be bothered. This didn’t just happen. All of it started a while ago and I was fighting it with everything I had.
I spent more time in the city of Memphis than I ever intended to. I didn’t want to get comfortable there. So much happened when I went back home that I didn’t have much of a choice. I knew it long before I had the opportunity to leave. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” There was too much loss. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off left me drained. I didn’t realize the level of self-sacrificing I allowed myself to get accustomed to. Eventually, I looked around and had nothing left. What a horrible feeling that was.
When I arrived back in Los Angeles, the feeling hit me again. “I don’t want to be here anymore.” The foundation of the thought was quite different this time. Although I felt an urge to exit the city for various reasons, I remembered why I came back in the first place. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” this time meant I needed to get unstuck. I had to work harder than I ever have. If it allowed me to escape the thoughts that were eating away at me, I was all for it. For months, I worked every day until I couldn’t keep my eyes open with my down time being to eat or exercise. A few people told me it was unsustainable, but they didn’t understand what it meant for me to be still. I replayed what my elders would say, “an idle mind is the devil’s playground,” so I didn’t think I could afford to stop.
Several months had passed since I started the process of work, work, work with little play. I even hired a performance coach, so I could achieve more. The past several years felt like a waste and I didn’t want to lose anymore — no more loss of people I love and no more lost time. I had to keep my foot on the gas 24/7. I didn’t realize it until later, but I was running away from loss. My therapist brought it up. My dad called it out. My mentor reminded me. I was so afraid of facing another loss that I packed my days in an effort to avoid it. When I found myself staring at it once more, I hit a wall that placed me in quicksand. The words escaped my lips yet again, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” That feeling of being stuck made me uncomfortable. It felt like I was drowning and I had no idea what to do next.
The wounds I hid before were reopening. I couldn’t sleep. My daily routine took a backseat. I stopped working out. I wouldn’t eat. My mind was all over the place. I felt depleted. I rolled over one morning and said it yet again, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” I couldn’t afford to stay. Sitting in that darkness was dangerous and I knew a lot had to change. I thought about how important it was to feed myself with positive messages during the lowest times I’ve had and I wanted to get back in the driver’s seat. I called a few friends. I called my therapist. I spoke with my father. I spoke with my mentor. I connected with my coach. They all said the same thing. You have to give yourself some grace. Take a break. You’re doing great. It was difficult to accept, since it felt like I have so much more ground to cover, but the wall might have been God’s way of forcing me to slow down.
To clarify, “I don’t want to be here anymore” was always about making progress. I didn’t want to be stuck any longer. Every time I said the words, they were said as a reminder to make the necessary change to move forward. It was about transforming my mind and body so the feeling of stagnation became unfamiliar to me.
Gratitude has been a major key as I continue to take the steps ordered for me. I don’t always know where God is taking me on this journey, but I’m always willing to take the next step. There’s a song many of you are familiar with that says “I almost gave up, but a power that I can’t explain…” I almost gave up on doing the work I’m destined to do.
I still can’t explain a lot, but I know how much it means to remain faithful and continue moving forward. That is part of my odyssey. I made a promise to myself to keep building, keep learning, keep loving and keep growing.
That’s what I plan to do.
It doesn’t matter where I am. I know the importance of the work I’m supposed to do and I’m committed.
Take it from me.
No matter what happens in your life . . .
No matter how tough it gets. . .
Remember . . . It’s gonna hurt, but it won’t kill you.
-TK
