TK’s Blog
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Don’t Let The Pain Win
I woke up from the same nightmare I have been having for 2 years. My heart was beating rapidly and the darkness of the room covered all of the space around me. As much as I’d like to convince myself otherwise, there might not be such a thing as being completely healed. At least those are the cards I have been dealt.
I had no idea what depression and anxiety truly looked like until the events in my life brought a level of chaos to my doorsteps that was impossible to outrun. It felt abnormal. How could it happen? I worked on myself to prepare for the pain, but the beast was much larger than I anticipated.
You Owe It To Yourself
The frequency in which I find myself in challenging and uncomfortable places these days is kind of wild. I made a promise to show up and life responded by putting me in a position to change everything. I am not writing this to say I have it all figured out. I don’t. I pledged to work on it every day though.
The Secret Is Out
This work is tough. To believe every day, to love every day, to learn every day is not for the feeble minded. It requires a strong mind and a huge heart. I might not be exactly where I want to be, but i am not close to where I was. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it. If it’s worth it, it’s not likely to be easy. I am a work in progress to say the least, but I am grateful. I know the work that needs to be done.
Own The Room
I’ve had a lot of people believe in me for many different reasons. In my mind, I’ve disappointed a lot of them too. While I’ve had to learn to live with that, I have gotten more comfortable with the idea that I do not have to be perfect.
I Know Why I’m Here
When you’re going through difficult times, you’ll hear all kinds of proverbial phrases:
Trouble doesn’t last always.
There is a purpose in every storm.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
There is no testimony without a test.
God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
The list goes on…
INDEPENDENT, Do You Know What that Means?
My operations have historically been a bit different than most. There’s just something about not doing what the crowd does that suits me. For a period, I lost that and life humbled me. When I sit back to reflect, I am fully aware of all of the time I cannot get back and that drives me to aim higher. As the saying goes, the best way to predict your future is to create it. I am grateful to be creating from a much better place now.
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
With the way my life has begun to take shape, I have come to terms with the fact that what hurts you is also oftentimes what helps you. You might not be able to say this for every situation, however, what you often find is even the most painful experiences are meant to strengthen you. Growth doesn’t always feel good.
Tomorrow is Going to Be Better
This is hard. I’m still processing everything that happened and the one thing I know to do is to continue documenting the journey. I don’t want people to feel what my brothers felt. I don’t want people to feel what I felt. All of the losses are part of the trauma and if we don’t intentionally address it consistently, we are setting ourselves up for potentially even bigger losses — and that includes losing ourselves.
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
I never had the opportunity to truly celebrate my 30th birthday, because of our good friend, COVID. I haven’t celebrated much of anything in my thirties. Quite frankly, they have been defined by loss. When this year arrived, I decided the best gift I could possibly give myself was to write It’s Gonna Hurt, But It Won’t Kill You, so in this season of my life, at least I could celebrate something.
Fake It Until You Break It
One of the mistakes I made in my journey was falling victim to complacency. I allowed my mind to run idly and felt sorry for myself for far too long. I thought I should have had more from the work I already put in. When you add contentment to the changes that have occurred in my life over the last few years, I was simply not prepared to deal with the consequences of miscues, wrong turns or the trauma I avoided.
Stop Settling, Start Flying
The people you surround yourself with can drive you towards a brighter future or derail you completely. It is important to be intentional. I have mentioned it on many occasions, but I am fortunate to be connected to the people I call my friends. We may not always agree on the path, but the goal remains the same — keep making progress.
Never Forget How Far You’ve Come . . . There’s More For You
Life can be chaotic and overwhelming at times. There may be moments where it feels like everything is falling apart. During these times, it can be challenging to see the bigger picture. Resilience is the ability to bounce back and maintain a positive attitude in the face of adversity. Taking life step by step can provide a sense of control and calm during turbulent times.
It’s Not Over, Because I’m Not Done
I couldn’t possibly be the same person I was before all of the suffering I experienced or even the pain I caused, personally or professionally. Unfortunately, I cannot change it. As much as we might try to fix certain things in our lives, there will always be something that is beyond our control. In this case, our only option is to let go.
It’s Too Much. What Happens if I Quit?
It’s too much.
I was on fire all of the time. It did not matter what the situation was. Whether I was sitting on the couch, working out or attempting to sleep, my body felt like an inferno. My legs would shake uncontrollably as if I was experiencing spasms. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I told myself that for a long time. I used to have nightmares of an untimely passing. Growing up in the environment I did made it feel likely. After feeling my whole life that I wouldn’t be here too long, I became overwhelmed with that feeling over the last two years.
Don’t Worry About Me… I’ll Be Gone Soon
What I keep reminding myself is that we cannot choose the way pain comes into our lives. We can only choose how we respond to that pain. I know what my plan is, but I have no idea what life is going to throw at our family next.
We’ll just have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
The reality about life is at the opposite end of it is death. We must all face it at some point.
I Lost My Brothers Then Lost Myself. Where Do We Go From Here?
Losing my brothers broke my heart. I did my best to hold it together, but things never seemed to slow down for me. They still haven’t. The proverbial advice one would share here is that sometimes things have to fall apart in order for you to rebuild them to how they are supposed to be. From where I stand, it is the only explanation I can provide for the last few years of my life. There’s no solace there. It’s just life or the things that are left of the life I planned for.