It’s Not Over, Because I’m Not Done

Why did I have to lose everything? It is a question I couldn’t stop asking myself. I am constantly processing information to understand the moment I find myself in. My journey has been a rather unusual one. There was always some level of stability in my life, so when it was time for a shift, all of it had to change. Part of me knew it would happen, but I resisted with everything in me. As things began to take shape for these changes, I went from running away to attempting to take the task head on.

I stood my ground as long as I could. Ultimately, I was overcome by one dagger after another. I began to operate unconsciously and that led to even more suffering. I’d like to not believe I was capable of hurting anyone, but during a period of desperation, I even hurt myself by not fully honoring the person who I desire to be.

I have reflected on things quite a bit. In my weakest moments, I have no idea why I made the choices I made. I truly became a shell of myself and simply wanted all of the suffering to end. I wanted my confidence back. I wanted love to return. I wanted my family back. I wanted my life to be normal again. I had to find all of it within myself. I had to remember that what you resist persists. I had to release blame and fear to recognize the only way to find peace is by taking a deep look within. I just wanted to make it through.

I gave myself permission to grow.

I made a commitment to make 2023 a successful year and I’m already ahead of the game. There is still so much work for me to do. I know there are people who will never understand my path or why I have chosen to use my experiences to serve others. Candidly, I do not want anybody to ever feel what I felt.

I’ve worked extremely hard to get to where I am right now. There were moments it didn’t feel possible. Even then, I was trying to be my best for everybody else. That is what I have always done. I needed to recognize what it meant to try my best for me.

I couldn’t possibly be the same person I was before all of the suffering I experienced or even the pain I caused, personally or professionally. Unfortunately, I cannot change it. As much as we might try to fix certain things in our lives, there will always be something that is beyond our control. In this case, our only option is to let go.

To be consumed by one’s past is a heavy burden to carry. We all have moments of weakness. For some, these moments are a lot tougher to reconcile than others. I wish I would have done quite a few things differently, but I recognize the importance of this moment. The work that needs to be done cannot be ignored. I’ve loved hard my entire life. I’ve sacrificed whatever I could to see that other people were happy. I did not know what that looked like for me. I have to learn and love myself in ways I never have before. It is time to rebuild.

It’s not over, because I’m not done.