I Lost My Brothers Then Lost Myself. Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s my fault.

That’s what I told myself about everything when it started to unravel.

I cried on my way home last night. I cried when I got home. I cried when I woke up this morning.

Losing my brothers broke my heart. I did my best to hold it together, but things never seemed to slow down for me. They still haven’t. The proverbial advice one would share here is that sometimes things have to fall apart in order for you to rebuild them to how they are supposed to be. From where I stand, it is the only explanation I can provide for the last few years of my life. There’s no solace there. It’s just life or the things that are left of the life I planned for.

Some might say it takes a lot of courage to write this, but selfishly, I do not want to carry the burden anymore. The image of perfection people might believe about who I am is not actually a thing. It never has been. I bring this up because it has been said to and about me on multiple occasions. I built somewhat of a reputation of being the strong friend. As a result, I carried much more than I should have in my relationships. In the spirit of full transparency, this image has done far more damage to me than it has served me.

2021 changed everything.

Trying to keep up with a certain image led to many of the insecurities I developed over time. I lost confidence. At this stage of my life, I understand now more than ever the consequences of what things look like. Perception can cause you to make irrational decisions to meet or exceed the expectations of others. It doesn’t help the case when you’ve made some mistakes along the way either. In the end, it all leads to the same place—disappointing results for the person involved in that process. In this case, it just happens to be me.

Through the years, I’ve been able to achieve a few things that served my public image greatly. That’s not to toot my own horn, but to establish how many of those expectations are set and how they can influence decision making. I fought to keep everything under control. What I failed to realize is that I took on more burdens than I needed to or had the capacity to handle.

Beginning in 2019, I saw something brewing within my family so I started making attempts to unite us and shift the narrative, even though it was mostly internal. I’d schedule weekly Zoom meetings, specifically with my 10 brothers that were to reconnect us, but also to discuss ways to make our lives better. I wanted to give them hope. Those meetings were supposed to help get everybody’s lives back on track. I put a lot of energy and effort into doing so. While I was still dealing with my personal issues, I took on some additional weight. It didn’t feel heavy, but I later learned the truth about what I was carrying. It was a slow process that accumulated over time, but ultimately, it brought me here.

I wasn’t sure if or when I’d ever find the courage to write this, but on a personal level, it’s necessary. As I write, it’s now the third time I have been shocked out of my sleep with this on my mind. Apparently I’m supposed to finish this right now.

I did my best to give everybody hope. My family needed it. My brothers were dealing with more than I can type right now. At that time, I was trying to prevent something fatal from occurring. In the meantime, that’s when things started to get pretty heavy for me and I had no outlet to release. I started spending time on things like gaming to cover up my true feelings. COVID hit and things changed pretty quickly. The game was a huge part of my routine at that point. My younger brother had lost his leg and I knew it would destroy him. My family started to get hit from every angle. I should have gotten into therapy immediately, but I had grown so accustomed to dealing with the pain in my own way, I felt it was unnecessary.

Watching my family fall apart was tough for me. On June 28, 2021, I received news of events that changed my family and everything was out of control from then on. July brought with it more chaos, then on August 3, 2021, my younger brother lost the mental and physical battle that began years before with the death of his son. In December, my uncle passed and it bothered me that I couldn’t be there with my family during that time. When my niece and sister escaped death in February 2022, I thought there couldn’t be any more… then on March 13, 2022, I received the same phone call from the same older brother who shared with me that we lost a brother on August 3, 2021. What I thought was impossible 7 months earlier happened again. They were both gone. We couldn’t even make it to the funeral without something else happening. My baby brother was in a nearly fatal accident the day before the funeral. It was nonstop. I couldn’t hold it together anymore. It was impossible. People knew I was hurting, but I kept pushing like I always did.

With all of this happening, I thought that even if I were to lose myself in the process, I’d sacrifice to save everybody else. I’d make whatever compromises I could to ensure everybody that I loved could be happy. Time spent wouldn’t be an issue. I’d show up whenever and wherever I could. Money wouldn’t be an issue because I was making more, which meant I could do more, not only for me but for everybody else. That is until everything hit the fan—and it certainly did. The grief was just beginning.

I tried my ass off to prevent the next thing from happening, so I started making irrational decisions. I spent money like crazy. I took on more risk in my investments than I could handle. I made ridiculous business decisions in an effort to speed up the process for my eventual financial injection of hope. I studied my investments like crazy, because the money I anticipated making was the solution for everything. At least that’s what I thought. When that went left too, I was done. I grew insecure in my ability to be there for my family. I grew insecure in my ability to sustain the level of support the people I love needed. As a result, I took every measure possible to change that. Unfortunately, my plans failed.

I was trying to hold things together while simultaneously attempting to heal, but I lost that battle in dramatic fashion. There were several moments I made ill-advised moves to handle my emotions. My insecurities haunted me. Depression and anxiety hovered above waiting for the opportunity to put the nail in the coffin. When the opportunity came, they pounced. I lost everything. I lost money. I lost family. I lost parts of myself. I told myself that being a man meant carrying that burden regardless of how much it weighed, so no matter what, I’d do it. I simply tried to carry too much and it broke me. What I thought was necessary to keep things together is exactly what tore everything apart. It tore me apart. I lost a lot so quickly, which means I had to let a lot go for my health. As I sit here reflecting on all of it at 3:00 AM in the morning, the only thing I can do is trust whatever greater plan there is.

When I was finally able to come up for air after it all, I looked around and everything was different. All of the places I looked for stability were non-existent. Nothing… and I mean nothing was the same. I thought I was saving the world, but I destroyed my world. I destroyed myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw the pain. I started breaking down. Every day became a battle to survive. I just needed to make it to the next one. I was prepared to give it everything I had to ensure I didn’t lose anybody else. It didn’t matter the financial, physical, or emotional sacrifice I had to make, I just couldn’t bear losing anybody else. All of that sacrifice and many of those decisions came back around, but not in the way I hoped. My life went from a beautiful fairytale to a kingdom exploding right before my eyes. When the smoke cleared, I was the one left holding the bag.

I have been humbled in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have suffered in ways I didn’t even know were possible. I don’t know how much of that I can actually say is my fault, but what I do know is my intentions were in a good place. Once again, I’m not perfect. I knew it before, but I truly know it now.

I haven’t slept many full nights since May of 2021 and can’t really imagine that I’ll be able to any time in the near future. What I can say is when I’m finally able to get some good rest and wake up from whatever dream I’m having right now, I hope it’s clear that I love with everything I have and no matter what, I didn’t give up.

That’s the solace I can find right now. I’ll live with that.